Thoughts

So I know it's been almost a year since I've blogged and I really need to get better at it. But I'm not going to have this post be a catch up post. This post is just my thoughts on how far I've come in the last few years. I just had my birthday and Tiaree was asking how it felt to be 34. I told her that I don't really think about how old I am any more but how I feel. I feel better at 34 than I did 10 years ago at 24. I'm 60 lbs lighter, I'm exercising every day for at least an hour, most days even more than that and today I registered to run Ragnar in Las Vegas. I never thought I'd be a runner. 10 years ago I really didn't give exercising a thought. I knew I needed to loose weight but I didn't care that much. In fact I remember one "stunt" I pulled, I found this "loose weight while you watch tv" thing. And I actually tried it! HA!!! I was lazy and I didn't have anything that was motivating me to loose weight. I'd had 2 kids and wanted more but I didn't realize how unhealthy I was. When I got pregnant with Bree that heavy, it didn't cross my mind that I might be putting the baby in harms way. With both Jarik and Bree I was induced early because I was pre-hypertension. I had no inkling that this could be from my weight. Then when we decided to try to have Keighlee I had a huge wake up call. I got pregnant easily, like I did with the other 3, but then I had a miscarriage. Something clicked in me then. I realized that my body was not in the shape it needed to be in to have a baby. So I started Weight Watchers. I lost 50 lbs before I got pregnant with her. I did it for her, for my baby, not for myself, which at that time was totally fine. I only gained about 15 lbs while I was pregnant with her but I never lost it again. For the next 6 years I seesawed between 10-20 lbs up from when I got pregnant with her. Hitting the 20 lb mark last Christmas. That's when I realized I needed to do this for myself. I needed to change for me, not for someone else (even as good as loosing the weight for Keighlee was, once she was here, it didn't matter anymore.) So I started to really work hard. Tracy got me a body bugg for Christmas and that's been the coolest thing! It's helped so much. It's been more of a lifestyle change than a diet. I started to up my workouts and cut down on the sugar. No I haven't given it up all together, I like it too much and if I try to stay totally away I usually end up binging on it. So I have a little bit. I'm now officially 30 lbs down from December. I haven't been this light since before I got pregnant with Tiaree. I actually am starting to get some muscle definition. And I feel great! I have hardly anything to wear, most things are huge on me and falling off, but I'll take that :) I love working out now. I might dread it before I start, except Zumba, I LOVE Zumba, but when I'm done, I feel amazing! I started running in June. I didn't think I could and I was amazed at how well I did. The first time, I ran for a mile without stopping. I was shocked! Now I can run 3, most of it without stopping. My time isn't the best but I don't care. I've always seen those runners and been kind of jealous of them. Especially when I started getting in shape. But now, I'm one of those runners and it's a great feeling! Thinking back to 10 years ago, I didn't even have the desire to run or workout like I do. I wanted to be skinny, but just to look good, not to feel good. I don't think I even realized how much better I would feel the skinnier I got. Now I'm doing this for ME. So that I can have the energy to play with my kids. So that I can feel good all day. So that I can actually cross my legs!! :) So that I can fit into anything that isn't a 1X  or 2X, or even XXL. I'm so good with XL right now, it's not even funny. And I ordered a L shirt for the Ragnar! My wedding ring won't stay on my finger, I've almost lost it in the garbage countless times. I have cheekbones!! And a chin!! All these little changes feel so amazing and I just want to keep going. Some days are hard. Very hard. I get tired and worn out and all I want to do is eat cookies. But those days pass and I get going again the next day. I don't let those small things devastate me anymore. Used to be that if I ate a cookie I was done. I was a failure, I can't do this so why even try. Now if I eat a cookie, I enjoy it and make the commitment to work a little harder in my work out the next day. My whole mind set has changed and I think that is the key to success. A cookie is not going to kill me. It probably won't even add to the scale in any noticeable way. I just keep plugging along, trying my best and staying positive and it's working! :) So this has been my life for the past 6 months. Good decisions and baggy jeans! I can't believe I've come to a point where I'm going to run a relay race. It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, besides child birth of course ;), but it will also be the most amazing! And I get to do it with my husband. Life can only keep getting better from here!!

Jarik was so chubby, but it was cute on him :)

My cute little family in early 2003.

Tracy and I. I still can't believe I was this large.

Here I am 60+ lbs down and almost 9 years later! Yay!!

I know the before pics aren't the best, but I think you can tell the difference. And the after pic was one I never thought I'd share except with Tracy. I just put on that shirt and it actually fit. I'd bought it optimistically and it didn't fit over my stomach. Couple years later and it's kinda baggy :) Oh and how cute is my Keighlee :D