Thoughts

So I know it's been almost a year since I've blogged and I really need to get better at it. But I'm not going to have this post be a catch up post. This post is just my thoughts on how far I've come in the last few years. I just had my birthday and Tiaree was asking how it felt to be 34. I told her that I don't really think about how old I am any more but how I feel. I feel better at 34 than I did 10 years ago at 24. I'm 60 lbs lighter, I'm exercising every day for at least an hour, most days even more than that and today I registered to run Ragnar in Las Vegas. I never thought I'd be a runner. 10 years ago I really didn't give exercising a thought. I knew I needed to loose weight but I didn't care that much. In fact I remember one "stunt" I pulled, I found this "loose weight while you watch tv" thing. And I actually tried it! HA!!! I was lazy and I didn't have anything that was motivating me to loose weight. I'd had 2 kids and wanted more but I didn't realize how unhealthy I was. When I got pregnant with Bree that heavy, it didn't cross my mind that I might be putting the baby in harms way. With both Jarik and Bree I was induced early because I was pre-hypertension. I had no inkling that this could be from my weight. Then when we decided to try to have Keighlee I had a huge wake up call. I got pregnant easily, like I did with the other 3, but then I had a miscarriage. Something clicked in me then. I realized that my body was not in the shape it needed to be in to have a baby. So I started Weight Watchers. I lost 50 lbs before I got pregnant with her. I did it for her, for my baby, not for myself, which at that time was totally fine. I only gained about 15 lbs while I was pregnant with her but I never lost it again. For the next 6 years I seesawed between 10-20 lbs up from when I got pregnant with her. Hitting the 20 lb mark last Christmas. That's when I realized I needed to do this for myself. I needed to change for me, not for someone else (even as good as loosing the weight for Keighlee was, once she was here, it didn't matter anymore.) So I started to really work hard. Tracy got me a body bugg for Christmas and that's been the coolest thing! It's helped so much. It's been more of a lifestyle change than a diet. I started to up my workouts and cut down on the sugar. No I haven't given it up all together, I like it too much and if I try to stay totally away I usually end up binging on it. So I have a little bit. I'm now officially 30 lbs down from December. I haven't been this light since before I got pregnant with Tiaree. I actually am starting to get some muscle definition. And I feel great! I have hardly anything to wear, most things are huge on me and falling off, but I'll take that :) I love working out now. I might dread it before I start, except Zumba, I LOVE Zumba, but when I'm done, I feel amazing! I started running in June. I didn't think I could and I was amazed at how well I did. The first time, I ran for a mile without stopping. I was shocked! Now I can run 3, most of it without stopping. My time isn't the best but I don't care. I've always seen those runners and been kind of jealous of them. Especially when I started getting in shape. But now, I'm one of those runners and it's a great feeling! Thinking back to 10 years ago, I didn't even have the desire to run or workout like I do. I wanted to be skinny, but just to look good, not to feel good. I don't think I even realized how much better I would feel the skinnier I got. Now I'm doing this for ME. So that I can have the energy to play with my kids. So that I can feel good all day. So that I can actually cross my legs!! :) So that I can fit into anything that isn't a 1X  or 2X, or even XXL. I'm so good with XL right now, it's not even funny. And I ordered a L shirt for the Ragnar! My wedding ring won't stay on my finger, I've almost lost it in the garbage countless times. I have cheekbones!! And a chin!! All these little changes feel so amazing and I just want to keep going. Some days are hard. Very hard. I get tired and worn out and all I want to do is eat cookies. But those days pass and I get going again the next day. I don't let those small things devastate me anymore. Used to be that if I ate a cookie I was done. I was a failure, I can't do this so why even try. Now if I eat a cookie, I enjoy it and make the commitment to work a little harder in my work out the next day. My whole mind set has changed and I think that is the key to success. A cookie is not going to kill me. It probably won't even add to the scale in any noticeable way. I just keep plugging along, trying my best and staying positive and it's working! :) So this has been my life for the past 6 months. Good decisions and baggy jeans! I can't believe I've come to a point where I'm going to run a relay race. It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, besides child birth of course ;), but it will also be the most amazing! And I get to do it with my husband. Life can only keep getting better from here!!

Jarik was so chubby, but it was cute on him :)

My cute little family in early 2003.

Tracy and I. I still can't believe I was this large.

Here I am 60+ lbs down and almost 9 years later! Yay!!

I know the before pics aren't the best, but I think you can tell the difference. And the after pic was one I never thought I'd share except with Tracy. I just put on that shirt and it actually fit. I'd bought it optimistically and it didn't fit over my stomach. Couple years later and it's kinda baggy :) Oh and how cute is my Keighlee :D

Back to School

A couple of weeks ago my kiddies started school. I was so excited for them to start! We have an amazing school with amazing teachers and I feel so blessed that they get to go there. I miss them like crazy, but I know they are getting the best education they can! Tiaree started 6th grade this year. I can't believe I have such a grown up little girl! She has loved the increased responsibility! She has started safety patrol and I'm having to let go a little bit. She has to be to school early and stays after late and she has to do that all by herself, which is hard on this Mamma :D Jarik started 4th grade. He enjoys it I think. I know he misses his 3rd grade teacher, as do I, but I think 4th grade will be good for him. He is already hating homework and thinks it's too hard and that it isn't fair he has to do it! Typical of my very smart, but kinda lazy, boy! Bree started 2nd grade. I miss her 1st grade teacher as well, but I think her teacher this year will be amazing! Bree is having some anxiety going to school so we are working with her trying to figure out why. We have a few ideas that we need to look into more, but once we figure that out I think she will have a wonderful year. My little Keighlee started Kindergarten this year. This was such a hard step for me. I cried for 2 days after I dropped her off. I enjoy having my kids at home, even though some days they drive me insane. And with 3 kids in school I missed them but I still had Keighlee at home to take care of and play with. Now with Keighlee in school, I don't have anyone at home and I'm very lonely. I've gotten used to it, but I still miss her. Yeah, things are easier to get done without her "helping" but her constant stories and talking to me are so missed. I don't think I'll ever "like" all my kids gone, but yeah, I'm used to it and amazingly productive when they are all gone! Anyway, here we are 3 weeks in and getting all the routines down and I can't believe what crazy, busy lives we lead. Crazy and busy but so much fun!

My cute Keighlee waiting in her line. She was kind of nervous!

My three "big kids" ready to head to school!

Thunder and Lightening Oh My!

I'm terrified of loud thunder. I'll own up to that. Absolutely terrified. Low rumbling thunder I love. I love it when it drags out and just rumbles. But the loud window rattling cracks do me in. Last night was a rough night for our little house. I woke up to the low rumbling and snuggled under the covers to just enjoy. Dozed off a bit. Woke up with my heart hammering, my hands shaking and clinging to Tracy. Terrified. 2 minutes later I hear little feet pounding up the stairs. Bree joined Jarik and Tiaree and we all cowered in our bed. There is nothing that'll force your nerves to calm like being strong for your children. I jumped once while I was holding Bree and felt her tense up in response. I had to make myself relax and not react to the bone jarring thunder. I didn't think I could, but I did! It's amazing what you can do for your children! Usually I just cling to Tracy, completely tense and shaking until it calms down. I couldn't do that last night. My children needed me :) I'm proud to say I was able to be Mommy and not a scared little sissy girl :D

Pictures!

So I've finally found some pictures that I want to post! Enjoy :)

Girls Dance Recital in June:

Keighlee

Tiaree

Bree

Jarik loves soccer:



Keighlee's Preschool graduation:


Keighlee and Jackson


Keighlee's class

Those are just a few of the things we did this spring and summer :)

Long time, no blog :)

Wow, it's been a crazy 6 months! We've just been going and going and going. I'll catch you all up here and then add some pictures later. In February I started doing the school choir again. That's always a lot of fun! March brought a much needed vacation to St. George with Tracy's sister and brother. We stayed in a hotel and swam and hiked and had a really great time! We also celebrated Jarik's 9th birthday. We didn't do much but he got a new bike and helmet so he was a happy camper!

In April we celebrated Tiaree's 11th birthday. I can't believe she is already that old. Next year she starts Young Womens :( April was a hard Mommy month for me. I also registered my baby for Kindergarten. Not cool at all!

May was a whirlwind of choir performances, soccer games and end of year preschool stuff! The choir performance was amazing! I love, love being able to lead them. They are great singers and performers :) Soccer is always so much fun. It was such a cold, rainy spring that we had to postpone so many games. We had a make up game of a make up game of a make up game!! Preschool ended with graduation. I can't believe that my last baby graduated preschool this year. It was a fun, kind of melancholy day.

June I helped with end of year activities at the school like field day and a 3rd grade water party. We also celebrated Keighlee's 5th birthday. She also got a new bike and helmet and she took to riding a bike like she'd been doing it forever! We also got to go to a Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert. It was a preview concert of their 2011 Eastern States Tour. It was amazing!! I love listening to their tour music :)

Also in June the girls all got to go with their daddy to a daddy daughter campout. They loved it! Jarik and I went on a date to Chilis :) It was a lot of fun just me and him. We also got to go to see the fireworks show at Taylorsville Dayz. I love seeing those every year. It's such a fun part of summer!

So far in July we've had a wonderful 4th. We went to the mountains with my mom and dad and Cait and Sam and we just stayed there all day. It was so nice and relaxing! That night we went to Tracy's sisters house for an awesome, and loud, fireworks show! I have never seen so many fireworks in one place! We've also played in the water a ton, built forts in the front yard and stayed up late having movie nights. So far this summer has been a lot of fun!

Also this month my little sister Caitlin is going to have a baby! I'm sooooo excited to be an auntie again. Baby Abbigale is due next week. I think I spelled her name right! But probably not :) We gave her a baby shower on Saturday and that was a lot of fun. I still can't believe my little sister is going to be a mommy! So amazing and exciting!

One of the funnest things I've ever done I did on July 2nd. I did a 4 mile "Dirty Girl Run" at Wheeler Farm. I was with a group of awesome ladies from my ward. I surprised myself and actually kept up with the runners. We sure got muddy and dirty and it was so much fun! I would love to do another one!

Well now I'm going to attempt to add some pics. Hopefully I will be able to!

Three Weeks Isn't Long Enough

Three weeks from the day we buried my Granny, we found out that my Grandma will be passing very soon. Three weeks is NOT a long enough separation between the deaths of two grandparents. My last two grandparents. I'm still struggling with my Granny being gone and now I have to face the fact that my Grandma won't last the month and maybe not the week. It's been really hard for me to deal with. It's harder too in it's seemingly "unfair-ness". Grandma spent Christmas with us. She was happy and talking and laughing and visiting. And now she will be gone soon. Sometimes I just want to yell and cry and then lay in my bed and do nothing. Sometimes I feel like I can't take the sadness of losing her so close to Granny. How can any one person cope with loosing family that close together? Sometimes I don't know if I will be able to cope. Then I remember what I know. I'm not loosing them, I'm just saying see you later. I WILL see both of them again. They will both be with their husbands! They will be happy. Grandma won't be in any pain anymore. She will be whole. They will both be together. They will probably sit down and have a long talk about their shared grandchildren :) It is really a good thing, when I can get my mind to realize it and stop letting my grieving heart take control! But sometimes that grieving heart feels like it's going to rip out of my chest. I don't know how much longer she will be with us, but I hope to be able to visit as much as I can, and talk to her and reminisce with her and help her to be comfortable and happy before she goes. Love you Grandma!!

My Granny

4 generation picture with my Granny, my Mom, me and Tiaree

My Granny, Gladys Valerie Hancock Steadman, passed away early this morning. She had been struggling with Alzheimer's for probably 10+ years so her passing is something that is actually a relief to me. My Grandad, her husband, passed in 2006 and to know that they are together again makes me so happy! Also comforting is knowing that she KNOWS who I am again. She knows me and she knows Tracy and she knows my kids! She knows I have 4 kids and that I have 3 girls and 1 boy! She knows their names! (This turned into something of a joke in my family as she would constantly ask how many kids I had and then she'd call Jarik and girl and the girls boys! Kind of a coping mechanism for dealing with the hurt of her forgetting.) If I saw her there would be recognition and love in her eyes instead of confusion and frustration. This brings me such JOY! Honestly there is more joy in her passing than sorrow. She is herself again, she doesn't have to suffer any more and she is with her husband who she so loved and who just adored her!
I am so very grateful for my knowledge of the Gospel and the Plan of Salvation. To know that she is still my grandmother and will be for eternity and that I will get to see her again brings me such comfort and strength. I am so grateful for my Savior and his atoning sacrifice that makes all this possible! I'm also grateful for the time I was able to spend with her before she passed. Last week we took the kids to say good bye. She was awake and talking, but not to those of us in the room. It was a very sweet, spiritual experience to know there were people there to help her transition. Jarik was watching her and was really quiet. When we got home he told us that he'd felt other people there and that when he got even closer to her, he felt it even more. What a neat experience for him to remember! I got to go spend time with her and my Aunts and Uncles on Friday night. It was so special to just sit and hold her hand and talk to her and rub her arm. Kind of payback for the years and years of her doing that to us :) It was a very sweet experience that I will never forget.

Granny's story is one of strength and faith. I want to share a bit of it :) She was born in Durban, Natal, South Africa on March 24, 1929. Her family was baptized into the Church when she was like 2. She grew up listening to Music and The Spoken Word on the radio, when they could get it :)She loved the Choir and she was blessed with a beautiful soprano voice. When she was just 21 years old she boarded a boat and set sail for New York, all by herself. I think of me at 21 and I don't know if I would have had the courage to do that! She came to America with the purpose of singing in the Tabernacle Choir and marrying in the temple. When she got to New York, she went to the mission home and met President Morris. He wanted her to meet a certain Elder who had just left the mission to go back home to Salt Lake. President Morris gave my Granny a sock and said it belonged to an Elder Steadman and asked if she'd be kind enough to return it when she arrived in Salt Lake. She did, they fell in love and her first desire of marrying in the Temple came true. She was married with none of her family present because they weren't in the US yet. That would have been so hard, to be alone on your wedding day! I'm sure my Gandad's family took care of her though!

Well my Grandad was a very musical man. He and his brother's had a radio program in Salt Lake that they'd sing on and his mission turned into a very musical mission. That is one thing that I remember really well about my Grandad, his love of music. Well my Granny's 2nd reason for coming to America was fulfilled with my Grandad. They both were members of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir for 20 years! I have such memories of my Granny singing. She was ALWAYS singing! She'd sing while she cooked, she'd sing while she got ready, she'd sing while she rubbed your back and that just lulled you to sleep! :)

Granny was such a classy, put together lady. I remember watching her get ready for the day and it was such a routine! It was so fun to just watch her as she did her hair and makeup. She always looked immaculate! From her clothes to her nails to her makeup and hair. Anyway, she was just fun to watch and to emulate.This is at my wedding and shows just what a classy lady she was. Crappy pic though :) Took a pic of the pic with my cell phone cause I couldn't get it out to scan it! Love that it's her and Grandad too!!

I will miss, and have missed, my Granny. I'm so glad that she is happy again and with Grandad again. I'm sure theirs was a very sweet, happy reunion! She is probably already busy singing and visiting and ready to get put to work on the other side! I love you Granny!!
Granny and Bree 2008
Granny and Jarik 2008
Granny and Tiaree 2008
Granny and Keighlee 2008